MEET EMILY

Hello everyone, I pray you are all doing well. 

I pray that as everyone one of you that comes across this blog, you know that you are beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalm 134). I pray that you all feel the Holy Spirit within these words and the posts I publish. I hope and pray that you are all radically changed by the blogs that God leads me to write and that I too, would be radically changed. I pray that you would be filled with wisdom and knowledge of the Lord here, and that every single one of us would grow in our relationship with God, both individually and together. Amen. 

I want to start this off by telling you about my testimony, and I want to preface by saying that if any of you have anyone in your life that you think is too far gone to be saved, think of me. Think of how far gone I was from Jesus and how HE called me back to HIM. Everything is all in His timing, and that’s something I struggle with to this day. Waiting on the Lord and His perfect timing (1 Thessalonians 5: 23-24). 

I never grew up in a Christ centered home, we lived a pretty normal life. My parents divorced when I was about five years old, they shared time with us, etc. My first hard memory was when my father told me he was leaving, right on the front porch of the house we lived in, and that he wasn’t coming back. I remember being confused and heartbroken. I was five years old and wasn’t old enough to be dealing with a broken family. After that I have bits and pieces of memories of only having my mother at home, my father being around sometimes, we would visit him at times, but I always remember feeling empty every time we left with him. I remember crying and feeling confused about having to leave my mom because where she was, home was. 

As time went on life was decently normal, my parents still had shared parenting. We spend week to week with them, my father got married and had three more children with his wife. When I was twelve years old, my mom moved us from the area we lived in due to the community and schools being unsafe. We ended up moving to the little town my mother grew up in and went to school in as well. I was terrified, but I was excited to see what was in store for us. Once switching schools and getting settled in a new place, I made some friends and started enjoying myself. The down side.. I started getting bullied, with the school being so small it was only to be expected that bullying would be an issue. 

By fifteen years old, I thought I knew it all. I was hanging around with people who did and said what they wanted. I was around people who were not the safest to be around, people who were a lot older than me, etc. the people I was around and the friends I kept practiced witchcraft and slowly but surely I started practicing it as well. I got into a relationship that became extremely abusive, he was into the occult, and was much older than me. For the next three years I went through extreme mental and psychological abuse, I was made to question reality, what was real and what was false. During that time I was in survival mode, I did whatever I could to keep him around, I lied, stole, made up stories, etc. anything I could to keep him happy and the abuse at bay. I was dangerous inside my own mind. I could believe any lie I told if it meant that I would mentally survive to the next day. I spent everyday wanting to die, I harmed myself almost daily with cutting, it was the only way I could feel a sense of control in the chaos surrounding me. 

By tenth grade, I had tried to commit suicide. I went home early from school one day after being bullied, left the house without my mom knowing to get away from everything that happened that day.. needles to say I got caught. I think after all that I had gone through for so long, I broke. My soul was broken and I truly didn’t want to live anymore. Once I got back home, I went into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of pills and I ended up taking almost two entire bottles in a matter of minutes. During that time I had self harmed multiple times and all I remember was looking down at myself and wondering how I ended up here. I remember staring at the bottles of pills and looking at my blood that was on them. I called the guy I was in a relationship with and he convinced me to call someone. I ended up calling my grandma, and to this day I feel terrible for scaring her. I probably aged her about ten years. She came to my house and called 911. 

From that point, everything happened so fast. I was brought into the ambulance and rushed to the hospital, once we got there so much happened so quickly. I was hooked up to machines, blood was being taken, I was given medicine to throw up all of the pills I took. The pivotal moment for me was when one of my best friends was in my room and I had been given medication to relax me and all I could see was her crying.. because of what I did. I scared so many people around me because I felt like death was the only way to feel peace. I almost gave up my life, the beautiful life I have today.. the wonderful plans and future God had and STILL has for me. Anytime I feel down, I picture one of my dearest friends. How she was so broken to see me, I remember her crying in the emergency room and how sad she was that I thought dying was the only way to ease all that I was going through. I praise God that He kept me here to live the blessing of a life I have today. To be able to love my husband and children, to love my family and friends and in return.. to be loved by them.  

I ended up in a hospital for kids/teenagers that needed help, some like me and some not like me. Looking back on my time there as an adult now, nothing there truly helped me. It’s just where they sent you when you were at risk of harming yourself. At the end of the day I was still broken, still harming myself, being destructive and being involved in dangerous situations. I just got better at hiding it. Nothing was going to truly save me until I surrendered my life and heart to Christ. 

Over the next couple years, I lived recklessly, I was partying, drinking, smoking, and taking pills. I was hanging out with people I barely knew. And getting into situations I should not have been in. I was living for me and only me, I did whatever I could do to get what I wanted, even if that meant I was hurting someone in the process. I still continued to practice witchcraft and new age practices, I started getting into physics and tarot cards. I was relying on crystals to lead me in life and bring me peace. I was meditating and inviting things into my life that would leave me even more broken than I was before. I was using sage to “rid my home of evil” and not realizing I was actually inviting it in by practicing this.. 

To be continued..