MEET EMILY, FINAL PART

I can’t tell you what day it was, or the exact month, I know it was mid 2023.. my entire life was a blur and all I wanted to do was survive to the next day. One night, I remember feeling so broken and something in me told me to pray to God.. I hadn’t thought about Him in YEARS. I was so sure He didn’t exist.. and I felt ridiculous to even be thinking of praying to a God that didn’t exist in my world. Looking back, I know it was a matter of pride and control, I wanted to believe that I was the one that would save myself, save my husband and our children. So I swallowed my pride, and prayed.. I prayed to Him about my life, the hopeless marriage I was in, how miserable I was in motherhood and how angry I was as a woman in general. I told Him I was bitter and that my life wasn’t worth it. I told Him over and over that I wanted to die and that my husband and children would be better off without me.. and then I started to pray for Him to SAVE me, to save my husband and my children. Slowly, I felt a peace wash over me.. true peace. And right then and there, I knew that I was always safe in HIS arms and that I would always be able to trust Him. 

A couple days went by after that night, and all I remember is that I was in my car with my children and it was a beautiful day. All I could think about was the couple nights before and about my life, all that I had done to get to this point. I was wrestling between the fact that I KNEW God was real, I had FELT Him the few nights prior, but then I was also dealing with all of the things that I had done in my life and all that was done to me. I was torn between wanting Jesus to be my Lord and Savior and also pushing Him away because I was filled with shame of who I was without Him. I had strayed so far away from Him, how could I possibly get back to Him? And what would everyone think of me, being “holy” now after living a life of sin? These thoughts and more were running throughout my mind.. And with what strength that was left in me, in that moment I repented of my sins, I believed that Jesus was my Lord and Savior and I KNEW He had died on the cross for me and everyone around me. Jesus was, and is stronger than the enemy planting those negative thoughts in your mind. To this day, I pray almost daily about how I don’t feel worthy, how I don’t belong at my church, how it’s not worth teaching my children about Jesus because they will turn away from Him anyways, and at this very moment as I’m writing this.. 

BUT I also remind myself that the enemy only comes to STEAL, KILL, and DESTROY. JESUS came so that we would have LIFE with HIM (John 10:10). 

I would love to tell you that after I repented of my sins and accepted Jesus into my heart that my life became easy.. but it didn’t. In the last year and a half I have dealt with things that have left me hopeless and feeling broken. I felt that Jesus forgot about me and that God was a million miles away. And it took a while for me to realize that He’s always with me. Over the last 30 years of my life I have made so many mistakes, I thought that the person I was, is who I would be for the rest of my life.. BUT GOD.. 

It took me a while to realize that no matter what I’m going through, whatever trials I’m facing, my joy and peace comes from God and always will. As I read my bible and prayed more everyday, I started to feel happy and content with where my life was, even in the midst of chaos. I found joy in the mundane tasks of my day to day life, because happiness is found in anything when you’re doing it for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Through all of this, all of my setbacks, all of the situations I have been through from childhood to this very moment, God was working all things for His good and He has a good plan for me (Romans 8:28 & Jeremiah 29:11). Through trusting Him, even when it’s hard, I have built a genuine and loving relationship with Him and will continue to do so throughout my time here.